So it seems that summer is over and the temperature has started to drop. I’ve always loved the sun and the long summer evenings so I guess it’s no surprise that I’m not particularly looking forward to the upcoming autumn and winter months.
But it’s no way near the complete dread I’d be experiencing several years ago. I never thought it was possible to experience such cold. Wearing several layers of clothing plus a coat, with a duvet around me and sitting by a radiator, I still couldn’t get warm. And this wasn’t even in the depths of winter, it was only October.
Visiting someone’s house I would famously park myself on their radiator, keeping my coat on, with hands around a hot drink, to stop my teeth from chattering. I would just listen as they spoke for I felt I had nothing of value to say. My mind was empty of news, meaningful or jovial conversation. It was full of thoughts of how freezing I was … and of course food.
On the days where I thought I couldn’t cope with the cold any more, I went to my local leisure centre, at a quiet time of day, and used the sauna, steam room and jacuzzi. Just feeling the heat hit me as I walked in was pure ecstasy, the relief of not feeling the pain of constantly being cold was indescribable. Though I still felt tortured by Ana, I could smile a little.
But I couldn’t stay there forever. And I dreaded returning to reality. The reality of starving myself, feeling exhausted and ice cold … for what?? Because a voice in my head told me I should. I can’t believe I thought so little of myself that I believed Ana for so long. She was never my best friend, she was my enemy, willing me to destroy myself.
Think to your past, your friends and any fall outs you’ve had. Did they ever go so far as to encourage you to end your life? I’m guessing not because what kind of best friend does that?
If you’re unhappy and realising that Ana isn’t the best friend that she promised she’d be, get in touch. I can help you kiss her goodbye.