When I was struggling with anorexia, I felt tortured every hour of every day. It was like I had a devil on one shoulder and an angel on the other, each telling me different things. I didn’t know who to believe. I didn’t know which was true. But I knew that I felt safe if I stayed in control of my eating, and if I continued with all the rules and rituals. But it’s not that easy, as my mind was thinking about food all the time. No wonder really, as it was starving, and it was trying to keep me alive.
But I didn’t care about that. Part of me that felt I didn’t deserve to be here anyway, I deserved all this pain, I was a burden, I was bad. I wouldn’t have wished anorexia on my worst enemy but for me it seemed OK. Why was that?
My problem was that I didn’t like myself. Actually I loathed myself. Everything about me. I wasn’t good enough. I wasn’t special. I was second best. I wasn’t worthy. I was a failure.
But Ana wanted me to feel this way because then it was easier to manipulate and control me. Although I felt that it was me in control, I know now I wasn’t, and I certainly wasn’t safe.
But how did I get out of that dark place I was in? Reaching out for help in terms of recovery was the scariest thing ever as I thought everyone would monitor my behaviours, I’d lose control and I’d be made to get fat (which was my worst nightmare). So why would I want to do that?
But then I realised that the key to my recovery was learning to like myself, to feel better about myself, to feel good enough. So that’s why I aimed for. That became my goal. And it worked. And it can work for you too.
I’m now recovered, a qualified Practitioner and work with women with anorexia and other eating disorders to help them feel more confident, more positive and better about themselves so that they no longer have the same urge to use the eating disorder behaviours in order to feel safe and in control. They can Kiss Goodbye To Ana.
And by working towards feeling better about yourself, rather than focus on a goal weight or meal plan, it feels less scary too.
So do you want to like yourself, feel better about yourself and feel good enough? Download the 10 Steps to Feeling Better About Yourself now.
If you’d like online support, please join my Anorexia Support Group on facebook.
I believe in you, and you can too! x